My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“Why you watching this shit?”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️