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Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot