This raises questions
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When I can’t barge, I careen.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
mom gave me mine for free
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo