Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
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If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?