The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
You Might Also Like
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday