My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection