I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Good advice.