me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
(Electricians.)
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?