So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
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“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
The smoothest fall of all time
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts