dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
You Might Also Like
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.