The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
There’s never enough good news
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.