She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
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You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
my first dose meeting my second
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?