Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
The news in a nutshell.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.