The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
When you鈥檙e Kinky but poor
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you鈥檙e like ok u will be bread now
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I鈥檝e seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can鈥檛 smoke in here
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I鈥檓 trying to sleep
Pot warmers of the day.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them馃槏
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they鈥檙e either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I鈥檒l bet Charles Manson would鈥檝e made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.