Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
My background check bounced.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!