[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.