Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.