didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.