That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I’m an avid indoorsman.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.