wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I just love that new Pope smell.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.