bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
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Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet