Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
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Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.