[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
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just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class