Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?