Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My work here is done
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.