Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
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DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”