Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
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Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
bears
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated