Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
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My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.