GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
What the dentist sees
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?