[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
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Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Well, shit