Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy