[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
You Might Also Like
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.