{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
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The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
And then there were 4
the three genders
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
good work, everybody
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.