merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him