age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
my professor scared me for a second
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.