I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
had to share :’)
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”