Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
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If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I like crazy people until they notice me
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.