Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
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i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?