I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Stop being racist to kettles.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
guilty
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve