Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat