Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Hell yeah 👍
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them