The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
is this store having a stroke wtf
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
it’s finally my moment to shine
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*