Passed by a old school Math example today.
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Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.