I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
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Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Sell your car
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild