No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
one of
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.