my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
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I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
dam girl
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking