Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
road rage
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.