*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Unimpressed
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.