The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
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me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.