I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.